Ladies and gentlemen, today we are launching an internal investigation into the circumstances surrounding this unfortunate incident. As you know, it has ruined the lives of several innocent and, frankly, very attractive sheep. It has also prompted some of our most senior executives to retain counsel and go into hiding. I have time for a few questions as long as they’re not hard.
Q. Is retaining counsel like retaining water?
A. I’m not at liberty to have any idea.
Q. Do you know where those senior executives are hiding?
A. On the advice of my mother, youuuu shut up!
Q. The New York Times is reporting that they were hiding under their beds and, in one case, in the dirty clothes hamper.
A. Do you know the New York Times is run by heavy metal Communists?
Q. Uh, isn‘t that the name of a song sung by McGeorge Bundy and the National Park Invaders?
A. Whatever. BTW: we’re launching the investigation from our pad on Cape Bob. We’re having a band and balloons and hand crafted sheep dip.
Q. Will you smash a bottle of champagne against the side of the investigation during the launch?
A. Of course not. Investigations are invisible.
Q. Like hot air?
Q. You know, Investigation-launching is very old hat. Have you ever considered getting a new hat?
A. You should talk to our Vice-President of Hats who is currently indisposed.
Q. Isn’t he the one in the dirty clothes hamper?
A. He has retained water and is so bloated he can’t get out. A rescue squad with the Jaws of Bob is en route.
Q. Seriously, have you considered alternatives to launching an investigation? Like catapulting?
A. We tried catapulting an investigation last spring, but it went into somebody’s yard and they wouldn’t give it back.
Q. Will you investigate aggressively and fully cooperate with the authorities?
A. Does everybody die in the Game of Thrones — including Old Man Thrones and that short guy?
Q. Isn’t that like asking “Is The Pope Catholic?” or “Does a bear walk into a bar?”
A. Is Meadowlark Lemon a deceased Harlem Globetrotter?
Q. You’re not saying Meadowlark Lemon took the big bad bounce are you?
A. Does Putin have a small boobulah?
Q. Isn’t that like asking “Is Putin always riding a horse half-naked?”
A. No, because his horse is always completely naked.
Q. Haven’t you used that joke before?
A. Would you like me to send the Jaws of Vladimir to your house?
Q. Will this be a large-scale and systematic investigation?
A. The scale of this probe will be unprecedented.
Q. Does that mean awfully huge or awfully tiny?
A. It will be ginormous.
Q. Last November you launched a ginormous investigation. How is this one unprecedented?
A. In the zeal we will show in leaving no stone unturned. We have a strict policy here of turning every stone a full sixty degrees.
Q. Do you then look beneath it?
A. Does night come after day, except in Alaska and the sink hole beneath Donald Trump’s hair? The only thing you find under a stone is a worm or a snail. Our executives sign a CMHAHTDBNFA40Y form promising they are neither worm nor snail.
Q. I don’t follow. I was taught CMHAHTDBNFA40Y stood for “Clearly, Magillicuddy has a handicap tonight, deflecting bullshit Nietzsche floated after 40 Yuenglings.”
A. That is sooo last millennium. No one says that anymore. I’m talking the “Cross my heart and hope to die but not for another 40 years” form. Don’t worry. It’s a common geezer mistake.
©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2016, all rights reserved.