The three-day sports controversy cycle:
Day 1, 10:15 p.m. The crawl at the bottom of the screen during EPSN’s nightly Let’s Talk About LeBron James Until We Barf:
Breaking News: Major League Umpire Dick Blumpidge, Jr., called for the suspension of fiery New York Yankee’s shortstop Chico “Cheeko” Chico, after ejecting him during tonight’s game against Baltimore. Blumpidge said Chico shouted “an obscene name” after a called third strike. MLB Commissioner Furlong LaRue’s office said it was just an office and would have to wait until humans arrived in the morning before commenting.
Day 2, 8:24 a.m. Transcript of ENSP’s Bob and Bob and Bob in the morning (with Bob Bobson sitting in for Bob’s son Bob.)
Bob: I wonder what name Chico called that ump, Bob?
Bob: We’ve slowed down this clip from last night’s game. It appears Chico is saying “What a dick you are.”
Bob: Um, are we allowed to say dick on TV?
Bob: Just playing Devil’s Advocate, Bob. The ump’s name is Dick. If you see where I’m coming from.
Bob: Isn’t it possible he’s asking a question. Like “What, Dick? You are being unclear. Could you please repeat the call?”
Bob: Jimminy H. Crickett! He’s just a ball-busting hot-head.
Day 2, 1:43 p.m. Transcript of ESNP’s The Patrick Dan Dan Dandy Dan Dann Show, with guest Baseball Commissioner Furlong Larue.
PDDDDD: Are you going to suspend Chico for using the d-word on Dick Blumpidge, Jr.?
CFL: Look, nobody likes to be called a d-word unless they are a d-word and even then some don’t like it because they are such d-words they think they aren’t a d-word. In the case of Blumpidge, though, being called a d-word is just the price you pay for being a Dick.
PDDDDD: Yes, but that’s Dick with an upper-case D. I think Chico meant a lower case d, although it’s hard to tell if he meant Dick or dick. It would be like me calling you furlong instead of Furlong. You wouldn’t know if I was referring to you as a measurement of 660 feet, or just your first name.
FL: Actually, Furlong is my middle name. My actual first name is Commissioner. That’s how I got this job. But I hear you. There are times I wonder if someone is calling me an upper-case or a lower-case Commissioner. I lose sleep over it.
PDDDDD: Maybe Blumpidge should change his name.
FL: But how long before someone calls him a Dickless wonder? When you get down to the epistemological metaphysicality of it, we are all Dickless wonders. Except for those who were simply born a Dick.
Day 2, 4:09 p.m. Live cut-away from SPEN’s Pardon The Irritable Bowel Syndrome to a press conference called by Chico “Cheeko” Chico.
CCC: I am sorry I called umpire Dick Blumpidge, Jr., by his first name last night. I should have been more respectful and said “Mr. Blumpidge, yes, you Dick. And speaking of Dick, is it true your own parents called you Little Dick?”
Grizzled Scribe: Chico, are you aware that Donald Trump has ordered a wall built around you?
CCC: And speaking of little dicks…
Day 3, 6:00 p.m. SNPE Sports Center
Good evening: LeBron James ate breakfast, lunch and dinner today. He then walked 29 steps with a basketball before bouncing it even once. He later quipped “They didn’t call Marco Polo for traveling, did they?”
In other news, outfielder Zulchie Milko was ejected this afternoon for calling umpire Dick Blumpidge Jr. an asshat. Later, through an interpreter, Milko insisted he’d said asset “as a way of complimenting the Little Dick.”
Commissioner Furlong LaRue said he’d never heard of an asshat and wondered if it was pronounced with an upper-case or lower-case a.
©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2016, all rights reserved.