(Due to previous commitments, the part of A. is played today by his understudy, B.)
Q. What’s the deal?
B. Seven card stud. Two down, one up. Ante’s a buck. Two raises, max. And nothing, I repeat, nothing is wild. He said with thinly disguised irony.
Q. No, I don’t mean cards. I mean what’s the deal? You hear the italics?
B. Oh. You mean like what’s up Dude?
Q. Yeah. Shoot the poop, gimme the scoop. Uh, Dude.
B. You think it’s that easy, huh? By the way, did you hear my italics? Of course not. And did you notice that I didn’t say italics in italics? We don’t talk much Eyetie down here.
Q. Wow. What is the deal with that?
B. You got ID?
Q. I’m not with The Spanish Inquisition, if that’s what you’re worried about.
B. Then what’s with the Cardinal Torquemada outfit?
Q. This old thing? It was the only clean outfit in my closet this morning.
B. That’s exactly why I’m wearing my Rosalind Russell outfit today.
Q. I think you have some lipstick in your beard. Oh, and be careful, this is a Juan de Torquemada outfit from 1410. Do you know what that means?
B. I’m just filling in for A. He got into a fight with I. I knocked the P out of him. Really Teed him off.
Q. You know, if I ask you Y, that will put us over three jokes on the alphabet shtick. You never do more than three jokes on a subject. It’s a cardinal rule, although ironically, not a Cardinal Torquemada rule.
B. U don’t say.
Q. C? No laughs. Anyway, back in 1410, Juan de Torquemada was a cardinal. Played a lot of pinochile. Solo. But it was his nephew Tomas de Torquemada who was the Grand Inquisitor of Spain. He’s the one who did all the torturing. A lot of people get them mixed up. Especially since they both lived in a village called Torquemada. At 2525 Torquemada Drive. House with the stake in the front yard.
B. Isn’t he the guy who invented the torque wrench?
Q. I get that question a lot.
B. Do you give the answer a lot?
Q. Oddly enough, it was Tomas de Torquemada’s other uncle, Torky, who came up with the wrench.
B. I don’t think that’s oddly enough at all. I think there’s room for a lot more oddly. Maybe if you’d put Uncle Torky in italics.
Q. You mock me.
Q. Look, can we get back to my main point: what is the deal?
B. What makes you think there is a deal?
Q. I’ve heard a lot of buzz about it.
B. Buzz? Like what, bees? Or like a buzz saw? You’ll note that those are two very different buzzes.
Q. Yes, I just jotted that note down.
B. I do hate to see a grown man jot.
Q. When will A. be back? I know he’d tell me what the deal was.
B. Okay, okay. The deal is this. Life rhymes with strife. Strife rhymes with knife. Knife rhymes with Fife, Bernard P. P rhymes with tee hee. Tee hee doesn‘t rhyme with yoo hoo. Yoo hoo is the name of a chocolate drink that Yogi Berra used to endorse. Yogi Berra is not to be confused with Yogi Bear. Bear rhymes with hair which doesn’t last forever. Just like life, which rhymes with…
Q. Wait, that’s the deal?
B. Hold the italics.
Q. Look, can I speak to another letter. How about C or D or E?
B. Sorry, but they went out last night with O and caught a code.
Q. Then how about the next letter?
B. What? The F?
Q. You continue to mock me.
B. Oddly enough.
©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2016, all rights reserved.
Is there an arbitration clause?
Oddly enough, yes.