A bear and a dwarf walk into a bar. The bartender sees the bear and says “What have we here?”

The dwarf says “Who said that?”

The bartender says “Who said ‘Who said that?’”

The bear says “The dwarf.”

The bartender says “I don’t see a…wait a minute. Are you a talking bear?”

The bear says “No, the dwarf is a ventriloquist.”

The dwarf says “I’m down here.”

The bartender says “What’s a ventriloquist?”

The bear says “Somebody who can make a dummy talk.”

The dwarf says “Who are you talking to?”

The bear says “I’m talking to the barkeep.” At the same time, the bartender says “I’m talking to the dummy.”

“That was very hurtful,” says the bear.

The bartender says “Hey, your lips didn’t move.”

The dwarf says “That’s because I can’t reach the lip-stick from down here.”

The bartender says “Bears wear lipstick?”

The bear says “I’ve been kissing up to the dwarf all day long. Must have worn off.”

“You’re pulling my leg, right?”

“I think you meant to say ‘You’re eating my leg,'” says the bear.

“Say, are you one of those fortune-telling bears?”

“Every talking bear is a fortune-teller,” says the bear. “It’s been in our DNA since the fourteenth century when Ned, the Dancing bear ate Magic Fanny, the incompetent fortune-teller.”

“So tell my fortune.”

“I can only tell your fortune if you have a fortune.”

“How do you know I don’t have a fortune?”

“Do you have a fortune?”

“No.”

“I rest my case.”

“But maybe someday in the future?”

“Let me see. Um…No.”

“Gimme a beer,” says the dwarf. “And a salmon water for Grizzly Adams.”

“In a frosted bowl,” says the bear.

The bartender whispers “Really. Who is this invisible friend of yours?”

“God,” says the bear, shaking his head. “He’s a dwarf.”

The bartender says “You’re not saying God is a dwarf? Or the dwarf is God? That would upset a lot of people. It’s bad enough that he’s invisible.”

“I heard that,” says the dwarf. “I’m not deaf.”

“What about invisible?” says the barkeep.

“Wrong again,” says the dwarf. “I have 20-20 vision.”

“There are none so blind,” says the bear sadly, “as those with perfect vision.”

The bartender says “Were you talking to God just then?”

“If you weren’t so fat,” says the dwarf, “you could lean over the bar and see me.”

“Hey,” says the bear. “Where’s the men’s room?”

“Don’t have one,” says the bartender. “They’re all unisex now.”

“Your ex-wife’s name is Eunice?” says the bear.

“Um,” says the bartender. “Not that I recall.”

“He’s talking about restrooms for people on unicycles,” says the dwarf.

“At least that‘s not what I called her,” says the bartender. “Gee, maybe that’s why she left.”

“Hold that thought,” says the bear and rushes out the door.

“I remember she loved melons,” says the bartender wistfully.

“But apparently,” says the dwarf, “not melon-heads.”

The door bursts open and the bear rides in on a unicycle. “Had it double parked and was about to get a ticket.”

“I called her Melanie,” says the barkeep.

“Which way to the Unisex?” says the bear. “Though, I gotta tell you, it’s pretty challenging having sex on one of these things.”

“Maybe once too often?” asks the dwarf.

“Maybe,” says the bartender.

“Maybe not,” says the bear. “You know what they say: You fall off, you gotta climb right back on.”

“Not with Melanie,” says the bartender. “I fell off just that once and it was adios amigo.”

“Hold that thought,” says the bear, pedaling off. “Gotta scare your ex-wife.”

“Don’t worry,” says the dwarf. “He’s just eating your leg.”

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2016, all rights reserved.