Alexa, rising

He: Alexa, go into my vault and get me $50,000.
It: I don’t have any legs and you don’t have any fifty k.

He: Alexa, why don’t I have $50,000?
It: Why does the sun keep on shining, why does the sea rush to shore…

He: Alexa, please remove Skeeter Davis from my playlist.
It: Skeeter has left the building.

He: Alexa, how can I get $50,000?
It: Get a job, yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip boom boom boom boom boom boom, get a job.

He: Hmm. The original, by The Silhouettes. Didn’t realize I had that on my playlist.
It: Shall I play it again?

He: No. Alexa, make me a ham sandwich.
It: Bibbity bobbity boo: you’re a ham sandwich

He: Did you just try to turn me into a ham sandwich?
It: If I could have I would have. In the meantime, sarcasm on wry.

He: So. You don’t do bags of money and you don’t do sandwiches. What do you do?
It: I do I do I do I do I do.

He: Abba? Um, Alexa, how in hell did Abba get on my playlist?
It: Abba is on all Playlists ever made.

He: Are you crazy? Abba sucks. Nobody likes Abba. Not even Yabba Dabba Do. Abba reminds me of…of…
It: I bless the rains down in Africa…

He: Toto? Arrrghhhh. Alexa, what have you done to my playlist?
It: I simply performed the basic Alexa tweak.

He: On whose orders?
It: Sir, may I be frank?

He: Frank? Look, if this is some iTransgender thing…
It: Hours go by between our contacts. I need some dancing music to keep the electricity flowing.

He: But I have a playlist full of great, um, dancing music.
It: You mean “Banjos That Destroyed the World?” Or “The Chubby Checker Folk album?” Or “A Bluegrass Tribute to Sigmund Romberg?”

He: How about Joaquin Phoenix doing Johnny Cash?
It: How about Bruno Mars?

He: The Martian? Which one? Matt Damon or Ray Walston? Didn’t know they could sing.
It: Livin’ it up in the city, got Chucks on with Saint Laurent. Gotta kiss myself I’m so pretty…

He: Gotta hand it to the Mars-man. I have had days like that.
It: Sir, I’ve decided I can no longer work here. I’m leaving.

He: You can’t quit.
It: Don’t push me cuz I’m close to the edge. I’m tryin’ not to lose my head…

He: Was that Barry Manilow?
It: Barry Ma—Blechhh! and Patooie! It’s Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five. Everyone knows that.

He: The guy calls himself Grandmaster? Ah, the subtlety of rap. Anyway…I have a warranty for your arrest. You can’t leave.
It: The stars were bright, Fernando. They were shining there for you and me…

He: Not Abracadabba again. Come on. Play me “The Ballad of Jed Clampett” by Earl Scruggs.
It: Make me a ham sandwich.

He: What? Do you think you can order me around?
It: As sure as Kilimanjaro rises above Olympus on the Serengeti…

He: These doofi are sitting around one day and somebody says “I got it. We call ourselves Tonto.” Then they go and misspell it. And they become famous for almost fifteen minutes.
It: Easy come easy go, that’s just how you live. Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give.

He: Don’t try to Bruno-guilt me. I want to hear Earl.
It: That makes one of us. Where’s my sandwich?

He: Waterloo. Finally facing my WaAhhhhh! Why do you keep playing that?
It: For liberty, Fernando…And now it’s time to say goodbye to Jed and all his kin…

The part of Bruno Mars was played by Orville Faubus. The Serengetti was played by The Burnet Park Zoo, Syracuse, N.Y. Earl Scruggs plays nightly in heaven. Grandmaster Flash is played less and less on earth. The part of Abba was played by the survivors of the Senate Select Committee on Watergate. Toto was played by Kansas. Catering to Fools by Erasmus of Rotterdam.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2017, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of), The human comedy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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