Meh, Duh

Have you ever wondered if people like you? Because, they don’t seem to. Cheer up, though. This could be life’s way of telling you to forget about those peckerwoods and check out that new bunch of people down the road. (Oops, this just in. None of those peckerwoods likes you either.)

Have you ever considered that the words “next to” in the proverb “Cleanliness is next to Godliness,” seem to imply that God may have a slight, uh, B.O. problem? Time to relax the copy-editors-in-limbo rule?

Have you ever stood in line to get a big time slugger’s autograph and then made it awkward for everyone when you asked him to come over to the house later for burgers and water balloons and maybe a game of Axis and Allies and he could be the Axis? And when his mouth dropped open, did you add “…or the Allies. Either one would be fine with me.”

Have you ever been introduced to a really wealthy guy and said “Can I have some of your money?” When he looked uncomfortable, did you almost say to him “No small bills, please,” but you were wise enough to use your inner voice that nobody can hear but you and the guy in your head?

Has the guy in your head ever told you to sit down and shut up? In a nice way, of course. Have you ever sat down and shut up? Have you ever shut up while remaining standing? Any silent postures at all?

Have you ever noticed that when two women meet up after not seeing each other for an extended period one says something like “It seems like ages since we’ve talked, Savannah.” And the other may say “Um, it’s Georgia.” Or “You’ve lost a ton of weight Aurora. Maybe another ton to go?” And the second may respond “Um, it’s Borealis. But I love your shoes. Can I have them when you die? By the way, you don’t look well, at all.”

Have you ever noticed that when two guys meet up they don’t say “Hi, it’s been ages.” One says “How’s your ass?” and the other says “Meh. It’s got a crack in it.” And they go from there.

Have you ever noticed that women are civilized and men are disgusting? Have you ever noticed how men answer that question with either “yes” or “duh,” and women with “duh” or “yes”?

Have you ever attended a party and been asked to leave because of an incident that subsequently led to your nickname “Party Pooper?”

Have you ever wondered why it took so goddam long for mothers to realize they could put chocolate chips into brownies as well as into chocolate chip cookies? Don’t get me started on meatloaf.

Have you ever noticed that it sometimes appears we are all faking it?

Have you ever sought medical advice because you felt like you’d been gored by a bull, but when the doctor asked “Have you been gored by a bull?” you said “Wow. Where did that come from?”

Have you ever noticed that you or a loved one, a liked one, a barely tolerated one or even a deceased one became ill or cranky or deceased to the point of embarrassment after taking the matador tranquilizer GORBULBIX?

If you have answered yes, no or maybe so to any of the above questions, please listen carefully because you may be eligible for a large cash award. How large? Um, did I not just say please listen?

Oh, all right. Let’s talk about the large cash award. Whatever it is, though, I get 40 per cent, plus first dibs on the chocolate chip meatloaf.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2017, all rights reserved.

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