The emperor has signed an order making it a crime to laugh at him. Because of the liklihood of confusion, we have posted this FAQ.
Q. Is that how you spell likelihood?
A. No, but it is how you spell liklihood, defined as the chance that someone will lick you while wearing a hood.
Q. Do you mean while the licker is wearing a hood? Or the lickee?
A. Are you trying to be funny with a member of the emperor’s staff?
Q. Well, it is a pretty funny staff. If you’d just stop being funny all the time…
A. Think of the emperor’s staff as an extension of the emperor.
Q. Hard not to laugh when thinking of the emperor walking around with an extension. Especially since he’s never wearing any clothes.
A. Laughing at the emperor for wearing no clothes is now classified as overkill, meaning you can be killed over it.
Q. You’re killing me right now.
A. Be careful. The law prohibits laughing while pointing at the emperor, laughing hysterically while pounding a table within 50 nautical miles of him and laughing at him while pretending to choke to death on a pretzel.
Q. What about laughing with the emperor?
A. If the emperor laughs you may laugh. In fact, you must laugh and each laugh must contain the words “Ho ho, hee hee,” or “har har hearty har har.” Laugher’s choice. Once the emperor stops laughing, if you don’t stop, it will constitute a prima facie case of laughing at the emperor (LATE).
Q. What happens then?
A. You take a laughalyzer test. It includes three jokes about the emperor’s hair and it measures your response on a laugh-o-meter. Anything but a 0.0 reading leads to a charge of LATE-ness, which requires you to sweep up after school every day for a year.
Q. What if he’s so funny I forgot to laugh?
A. Very unlikly. By the way, laughs that sound like Bwwaaahaaaaahaaaa are unacceptable. Thigh slapping, however, is always welcome as long as the thigh you slap is your own. This does not apply to laughing while reaching for female grabbables because, as the emperor has pointed out, they let you.
Q. How can we know when he stops laughing?
A. Cameras will be installed at intersections and outside any house occupied by funny-looking people.
Q. Define funny-looking.
A. People who don’t look like the emperor, including Mexicans, Muslims and Media. We call it the M&M&Ms rule, which, of course, includes both plain and peanut.
Q. How do the lights work?
A. When the emperor laughs, the light turns green and you can laugh. When it turns red, the camera will photograph anyone still laughing and a nun will show up and wipe the smile right off their face.
Q. You mean, you can’t even smile?
A. Smiling is frowned upon because it’s considered to be alternative laughing. Example: The emperor says when he was a disadvantaged young man just starting out, he had to borrow $14 million from his father just to be a millionaire. Outwardly you smile but inwardly you think to yourself, “That is funny. Quite hysterical. What do you know, I’ve wet my pants.”
Q. Can the emperor laugh at himself?
A. No. It’s against the law.
Q. A well-unknown blogger says that a man who can’t laugh at himself has never looked in a mirror.
A. With that hair? Trust me, he looks in the mirror every day. The funny thing is, that’s when he does all his tweeting.
Q. The funny thing? Uh, oh. The red light just came on. And here comes a nun.
A. What do you know, I’ve wet my pants.
©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2017, all rights reserved.