I’ve been thinking lately that Pythagoras, Aristotle and Sister Mary Funeral were wrong about the world being round.

Given my storied C– education, my abundant savoir faire and an overall jive that makes women — just ask K-Mac* – weep with relish (pickle), it took only the Simple-Simon-met-a-pie-man genius of basketball star Shaquille O’Neal to redefine my world view.

Shaq recently told an interviewer the earth is flat. Count me as one of the millions who laughed with relish (antipasto) at such ignorance.

Then Shaq offered a profoundly lucid and indisputable proof: He has driven across the country several times (traveling, in basketball parlance) and it dawned on him (the fourth or fifth time?) that everything out there was flat.

How flat?

Flatter than Bb. Try Bveryveryb to the 10th power ranger.

It’s hard to admit you were wrong sometimes/all the time, especially if a private detective’s video has gone viral on You Boob. But wasn’t it St. Francis who said “humility can be felt and displayed only by the truly humble — or those who have had their pants pulled down in front of a thousand people in Grand Central Station?” Don’t I know it.

As the song says “It’s a gift to be simple, it’s a gift to return; hope you have the receipt and original packaging.” Simplicity — despite its simplistic name — disguises subtle power. When I heard Shaq’s proof, my mind woke up and asked for a ham and cheese on flatbread.

Recalling the times I swore the world was orbiculate and not flatulate I want to cry out “Sorry everybody! Don’t fall off the edge!” For Shaq’s transparent observations are perhaps the most significant example ever of the trans community (parent, sylvania, fusion, ient, fer, mogrification, etc.) not being able to see the forest for the Wal-Mart that bulldozed it.

I do regret, though, not beating Shaq to the punch. You see, by crazy coincidence, I too have driven across country several times. Other than the Rocky Mountains, the Sierra Nevadas, the great Central Valley of California and its wimpy coastal ranges like the Santa Cruz Mountains, I have to tell you, the terrain is flat.

How flat?

So flat, if you stand on a molehill you can see Putin in his driveway, waxing his horse.

Anyway, delusional “round heads” like to cite the pictures of earth taken from the moon showing a round planet. But have they never heard of pizza? A pizza is round and flat. Eh? Roll a hunk of sausage across your DiGiorno’s and watch it fall off the edge and into the mouth of Rover. Or, more likely, me.

Also, if the world is round like a ball, how come kangaroos in Australia don’t fall off while hopping down the billabong? As for everyone else in the land down under, wouldn’t you think the blood would rush to their heads and everybody would be called Red and they’d have to walk around with big stones in their pockets?

And don’t try to confuse the issue, or me, with fake science blather about quote, unquote “gravity.” You can fool some of the people some of the time, etc. etc.

I’m so reformed now that next I’d like to pick Shaq’s dribbling basketball brain about global warming. Does he agree that carbon dioxide has been slandered as the worst mixture of elements since silicon combined with valium to produce computer nerds?

I’d also like to ask if Shaq thinks John Wayne really was The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence. My money has always been on the Widow Prescott, in the library, with the blow gun.

*On second thought, better not.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2017, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of) and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Roundheads

  1. Wood N. Uleyktano says:

    It’s Valance.


  2. PMcG says:

    Only the man who shot him would know that. You’re under arrest.


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