Quoting the Spearman

Q. Right. I’ll say something and you say the first thing that comes to mind. Then, I’ll say something else and you give me your first thought and so on and so forth, yada yada yada, yabba yabba do, boom shocka boom shocka, oob la dee oob la dah, brah la la la la la la la, nee noo na na, noo noo nana.
A. Could you give me an example?

Q. Right. Let’s say I say “East Africa.” And the first thing that comes to your mind is, let’s say, French Cameroon. And so you would say “French Cameroon.”
A. Actually, that would be west Africa.

Q. Right. That was a bad example.
A. Plus, it’s no longer French Cameroon. Hasn’t been since 1960.

Q. Right. That is a while, isn’t it? So. Duly noted.
A. And tell me again why are we doing this?

Q. Right. We do this with all applicants. Gives us a better feel for who would be the best fit for a position.
A. You do know that I’m applying for the job of henchman.

Q. Right. We want those you’d be hunching with to be comfortable with you, just as you want to feel comfortable understanding our hunching culture.
A. Excuse me. That’s henching. Not hunching.

Q. Right. Let me make a note. Hunching. H-u-n-c-h-i-n-g.
A. That would be h-e-

Q. Right. Uh, come again?
A. Henching is spelled h-e-n-c-h-i-n-g.

Q. Right. But that would be henching, not hunching. Eh?
A. Yes. Henching as in henchman. I’m a henchman. A professional henchman, actually.

Q. Right. Let me just check…Hmm. Curious. On our list of job titles, I’m not seeing henchman anywhere. Ooh, but look. Here’s hunchman.
A. Obviously it’s a misspelling. Because who ever heard of a hunchman? Look, I’ve been offered the job of henchman by your president, Bob Bobbington. He said sign a few papers and start immediately.

Q. Right. Is it possible you misunderstood? Did he offer you the job at lunch? He sometimes slurs his words at lunch.
A. Yes. He said henchman. That’s who I am. It’s what I do. We shook hands.

Q. Hello. I’m Carl Zinkenwater. I‘m the hunchman here. I had a hunch there might be confusion over your job application.
A. You’re a hunchman?

Q. I’m the hunchman. There’s just me. Been here 11 years in October.
A. What exactly do you do?

Q. Well, I get hunches. About what the Dow’s going to do. Hunches about our competitors. Hunches about new products. Will they sell? Hunches of all kinds. Because, I’m a hunchman.
A. And I’m a henchman.

Q. I had a hunch you were a henchman.
A. Because I just told you I was a henchman.

Q. What, exactly, does a henchman do?
A. Whatever the boss wants. Usually some sort of dirty or devious task he wants to distance himself from.

Q. Like what?
A. Let’s say there’s someone he wants to fire. But he doesn’t want to do it himself.

Q. He told you he wants you to fire someone?
A. That’s not how it works. He might say ‘Will no one riddeth me of this meddlesome soeth and soeth?’ And the henchman would hear it as ‘Getteth thee rid of soeth and soeth, prontoeth dudeth.’

Q. Did he nameth any nameths?
A. Just Joe Namath. But speaking of football, he did mention the hunchback of Notre Dame getting a little too big for his bell tower.

Q. What? Look, I graduated from Notre Dame. And sometimes Mr. Bobbington inadvertently calls me a hunchback.
A. And the alarm on your hunch-o-meter doesn’t go off?

Q. Well, when I have a hunch that a hunch is not so important I ignore it. One of the professional journals wrote an article about it called “Hunch me no hunches.” No big deal.
A. Excuse me, but would you mind a bit of advice?

Q. Advice? From Bobbington’s henchman?
A. I’m not a hunch expert, but I’m getting a hunch that you are out of hunches, especially the one you should be getting right now that says I’m about to tell you that you are out of hunches and your hunching days here are over.

Q. But soft. What light through yonder window breaks?
A. It’s a little late to be quoting Shakespeare. In fact, it’s always too late to be quoting the Spearman.

Q. Right. So. Let’s pick up where we left off, shall we? I say French Cameroon, and you say…
A. Excuse me, but would you mind a bit of advice?

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2019, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, The human comedy and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Quoting the Spearman

  1. EdG says:

    The classic “whose on first”

    Like

  2. Leeg says:

    😊😊😊👍once again

    Like

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