Haven’t we all laughed, maybe even slapped our thighs until it hurt so much we had to slap somebody else’s thighs, when somebody challenges another’s intelligence with “Where were you when they handed out the brains?”

For those with a low I.Q., the joke implies that the insultee, way back when, was either in the wrong line, the wrong building or simply stuck beans in his ears when word came down that brains were being passed out. (Note: this is a completely separate topic from getting a cracked, unpainted, folded, spindled or bible-thumping brain. See Brain returns and Refurbished brains.)

I got to thinking about the premise of that joke while at the pharmacy, waiting for my oxybozone refill for lingering thigh pain. How is it that somebody misses out on something as crucial as brains — probably the most important handout of body parts, right behind the sexual hard drive install and phone number for tech support?

Is the hand-out system fair and equitable? Is God doing a good job? How do we make that judgement? Let’s look at what the consultants “Booze, Alan and Just Water for Ed” (BAAJWFE) say the system should require for the 360,000 brains handed out worldwide every day:

1.Some sort of large facility – stadium sized, one would think – not only to contain those folks eligible for brains, but also a large storage room (climate controlled? refrigerated? ) for keeping fresh the millions of brains to be handed out. Remember the first rule of brains: “A warm brain is a lame brain. And it probably has mold.”

2.Crowd control measures. The Bible hints at orange traffic cones used at chariot races and fish fry events for crowded sermons on the mount. But has any thought been given to nuns with triple-taped yardsticks?

3.Assigned waiting lanes. You might think an alphabetical system would work, with lanes marked A to E, F to L, etc. But without being assigned some sort of pre-brain intelligence system, people wouldn’t yet know what an A was or a B was and so forth. Instead BAAJWFE suggests a low tech “Next” system staffed by some of the lesser saints who have nothing to do all day but find lost keys or keep ships from sinking, etc. They would simply announce “Next brainless person in line please.”

4.A secured exit lane to alert officials when a brain runner is trying to get away with an extra brain. In such a scenario, extremely polite, non-threatening agents of the Department of Homeland Brain Damagement would sic (sic) a Doberman Pinscher on the thief, seize back the stolen brain in its jaws and, in case of serious slobbering  (by the dog), pat it dry with paper napkins and return it to the central pile-o-brains. (See Brain returns and Refurbished brains. Also Slobbered brain patting.)

5.Easy-to-follow instructions for self-installation of the brain, with staff on hand to prevent backwards or upside down installation, or frustrated jamming of the brain into the ear and other holes.

6. Brain proofing. No one leaves the facility without a one-plus-one brain check. If the answer is anything over seven, the brain is handed off to a Brain Slapper who uses proven techniques to get the answer down to four. Five, max.

Research continues on a controversial system that rates no-brainers on deportment, grab ass, cleanliness of underwear, moral superiority, pushing in line, and Irish sudoku dancing.  Failures are summarily rejected with the phrase “No brains for you.”

People have asked if brain needers would be naked — Garden-of-Eden style — or would they be assigned clothing? There are two schools of thought: if dressed (not necessarily in dresses) there would be fewer distractions and lines would move quickly. And yet, if clothes are given out before brains you might have embarrassing incidents with men wearing underwear on their heads or women wearing nothing but boxing trunks and bow ties.

No, seriously.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2019, all rights reserved.