Here’s what we know so far:

• Public confidence in the statement “That could never happen” has fallen in the polls, replaced by the fast-rising, seldom-believed promise “That will never happen again.”
• Mean people suck and will continue to suck for the forseeable future.
• Most people wear underwear most of the time.
• It’s bahda boom, bahda bing and not bahda bing, bahda boom.
• Bumper-to-bumper warranties seldom cover bumpers.
• Telling someone “You are something else” is not the same as saying “You are something like a lying piece of intestinally processed breakfast; No, wait. You are a lying piece of intestinally processed breakfast.”
• The past contains no oxygen. The future contains no oxygen. The present is where they keep all the air.
• When they say you can’t take it with you, by it, they mean your backgammon set.
• Trade wars are not easy to win. Or at least not as easy as saying you are a billionaire.
• The tremendously popular earbnb movement has recently merged with nosebnb and throatbnb. Talks with eyebnb have failed, ironically, because there is no I in ear, nose or throat.
• Don’t get ahead of yourself. Don’t get left behind. Don’t do anything. Just don’t.
• The greatest discovery of our generation is that no one ever relaxes when told to “Relax!”
• The name Bix, as in the late jazzmaster Bix Beiderbeck, is a nickname for Bixx.
• Watch your head.
• You cannot eat an after dinner mint before dinner, just as you cannot eat an aftermath mint before math class, an afterdeck mint on the foredeck or an aftershave mint unless you have at least a five o’clock shadow. If you eat an afterglow mint before glowing, I mean what the hell is wrong with you, anyway?
• Life is short because, think about it, if life were long, somebody (you know who you are) would have complained by now and ruined it for everyone.
• Life is not just a bowl of cherries. The cherries are the sales pitch, but life is the pits.
• Yes, you could have been a contender, but you got in the line for bartender, you idiot.
• Everyone deserves the gift of more data — although oddly, the data doesn’t back it up.
• The Supreme Court has ruled that the heavily armed “What’s So Funny, Dickweed” corporation may no longer use the motto “Don’t be ridiculous,” which has been ruled the property of the “Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink” club of Bimmington.
• Scientists say 9 trillion gallons of water fell in Texas last year. Their source was the guy manning the 9 trillion gallon tank on the roof of the airport.
• “With malice toward none,” means NONE.
• We don’t need any more courtesy calls from roofing salesmen who just happen to be in our neighborhood at dinner time and who fear they would insult us by not ringing our doorbell to say hello and did we know our roof might fall off, without even thinking we might want to finish our dinner before going up on the roof and saying “Hey, it’s dark up here,” just because you simply feel honor-bound to warn us – strictly as a courtesy from one human bing to another — and, coincidentally, did we know you happen to sell roofs and could install one for us with a 50-year guarantee even though, by the looks of it, we’re not going to need a 50 year guarantee. What’s for dessert?
• There is no such thing as the deep state. Deep beer talk, however, is deeper than any 3 states plus the District of Columbia.
• Watch your own damn head.
• The empty jar doesn’t fall far from the mayonnaise tree.
• Nature’s most perfect food is Cherry Garcia ice cream. No pits. No calories.
• You never get used to not living next door to Alice anymore. (Alice? [Alice? Alice?Alice?] Who the fois gras is Alice?)
• X-Men ask Y. Z-Men ask Y not.
• There is a special place in hell for anybody who needs one. Just ask at the door.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2019, all rights reserved.