Police blotter, Awkward Point police

7:49 a.m. Anonymous tip: burning pants lying in road across from Gunther’s Previously Opened Canned Vegetables.  Pants are smoking in clearly marked “Smoke free” zone. Fire department’s answering machine is full.  Tried to leave message on Facebook. Forgot my password. Could not verify that Gunther is Gunther’s first name or last name. Possibly both. Car 54 dispatched.

8:17 a.m. Caller claims Russian-looking man has spread deadly substance on her doorknob. I asked “How do you know it’s deadly?” Caller said she thinks it’s killed her husband who is lying on the front porch belly up with his hands and feet all pointed skyward. I asked “Is he dead?” She said “How would I know? I’m not going out there.” Sent meat wagon to investigate. Note: All of our chemical-biological-radiological contamination suits are currently at the cleaners, following the wildly humorous incident last week at Fogarty’s wake.

10:31 a.m. Anonymous report from citizen, complaining that fire department pumper was out of water on arrival at scene of now flaming pants fire. Citizen notes his taxes paid for that water. Demands investigation. Submitting cell phone photo of no water.

10:53 a.m. Citizen at scene of pants fire reports that Mayor Blumpidge and Fire Commissioner Brad are in a fist fight, one claiming the pants are gabardine the other holstein. 

11:14 a.m. Mrs. Wendell Orton complains that men dressed as firefighters are using her garden hose to put out pants fire near her house. Without asking. She says her hose wouldn’t reach so they unscrewed the nozzle and one of them put his thumb into the hose with the water coming out and it made the water shoot high into the air, like a fountain. She could see a rainbow. Didn’t quite reach the pants.

11:22 a.m. Anonymous complaint: Firemen stole pitcher of lemonade from kids’ stand and poured it on flaming pants which got very flamier.

11:47 a.m. Anonymous tip: Missing water from pumper was used to fill Fire Commissioner Brad’s swimming pool. An unidentified horse is drinking from it now.

11:59 a.m. Complaint: Unidentified Russian-looking man has removed his shirt and mounted a horse.

12:37 a.m. Mayor called Fire Commissioner Brad a firetrucking idiot. Punches thrown.

12:55 p.m.  Reported holdup at Lardo’s grocery. Not sure if Lardo is Lardo’s first name or nickname. Could be his last name. Could be first and last name. Lardo J. Lardo. I made up the J. It sounds better.

1:00 p.m. Complaint From Fire commissioner Brad: Half-naked Russian-looking man stole his completely naked horse. Also, he left something in the pool. Not sure if he’s referring to the Russian or the horse. Possibly Brad.

1:10 p.m. Pants fire out of control. Fire Commissioner Brad orders fourth alarm. Overheard saying “This is the worst pants fire I’ve seen since.” Mayor issues statement, calling them “The worst pants I’ve ever seen.”

1:11 p.m. Eyewitness report: Mayor burns his shoes trying to stamp out flaming pants. Fire Commissioner Brad burns his bridges trying to stamp out the mayor.

1: 33 p.m. Report of half-naked man riding horse through neighborhood. Exact half not stated

1:51 p.m.  Officer Kripke reports: “Stopped and frisked a black African-American black man for walking like a black African-American black man disguised as a Black Russian. Has no passport. He rudely demanded to know if I was going to stop the white man across the street for walking while disguised as a white Russian. Told Black Russian the white man looks nothing like a Russian. “Neither do I,” said the BR. He got a tad shirty and said “You ever see a black man standing next to Putin?” When I inquired ‘Who’s Putin?’ a half-naked white man on a completely naked horse rode by and the BR said “That guy.”

1:58 p.m. 911 call at Lardo grocery canceled. Holdup not an upper case, “H” holdup, just a lower case, life-sucks holdup. Due to cashier in 10-item line finding expired sell-by-date on peck of pickled peppers. Stock boy sent out for fresh peppers, has not returned, causing “holdup.” Customers in line getting impatient, playing grabass, making rude boofing noises, telling lies about the size of their pickled peppers.

1:59 p.m. Officer Kripke surrenders gun and badge and is scheduled for sensitivity training as soon as sensitivity training program is thought up.

2:00 p.m. All Points Bulletin: Be on the lookout for anyone wearing no pants. Also round up usual liars and liar-liars. Detain anyone with nose as long as a telephone wire.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2019, all rights reserved.