Patrick A. McGuire, Bloggonian
For years I told jokes on street corners for tips, dreaming of one day owning a granite counter top. No luck, so I entered a monastery. I now do stand-up at daily prayer services. The monks' vow of silence means they can't laugh. I can't even laugh, although sometimes I sob quietly in the can. This blog is a cry for help. Send money or granite. I accept Pay Pal.
Tag Archives: funny
Bear unzipped
Two guys are walking down a street in Iowa. To avoid lawsuits, we’ll call them the first guy and the second guy (not their real walking guy order). First guy says “Have you decided who you’re voting for?” “The Idiot,” … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged absurd, bears, Crackpot, Dopes, funny, humor, satire, zany
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Venom and snot
That’s it. No more mister funny guy. No more silly stuff. No more laughs, no more being witty and wry. Not even pumpernickel. From now on I write nothing but sourdough, sauerbraten, sweet and sour sauce, hold the sweet (but … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged absurd, funny, humor, Lapland, satire, snot, venom, zany
6 Comments
Loose screws
When I awoke this morning, I glanced at the sports page and discovered I am still mathematically alive. I went to have my blood drawn. The artist on duty suggested water colors because she likes the way they bleed. Out … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged absurd, dead horse, funny, Nuggets, satire, snout, whoopie cakes, zany
6 Comments
It’s nothing, really
Scientists have a fairly straight-forward rule. Before they are allowed to make a major announcement (“Hello? Is this thing on? Attention everyone: water is composed of two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen. That is all. Thank you.”) they have to … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged Dark Matter, funny, humor, invisible, nothing, satire, zany
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Yawning cleavage
If we can pinpoint a single meteor taking a whizz across outer space–and land an entire outlet mall on it–you’d think we could locate a single pen in our homes and not have to write our grocery lists, our MacArthur … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged absurd, cleavage, funny, Nantucket, satire, zany
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Ten Steps To Becoming a New York Times Bestselling author*
1. Sit down with pencil and paper and say “Hmm.” Don’t think “Hmm.” Say “Hmm.” Louder. (Don’t stand up. Research shows that standing-up tricks your brain into thinking you’re going out for a beer or upstairs for a nap, or … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged best selling author, funny, hack, Hmm, lobotomy, satire, white horse
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FAQ: Huge Bug
Q.Whenever X—(not her real initial) sees a bug on the ceiling she says “Ooh, there’s a bug on the ceiling.” That means I’m supposed to kill it or talk it into leaving right this minute, mister. But the bug-fearing little … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, F.A.Q., News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged absurd, bible thumpers, bolo knife, bugs, funny, humor, Pearly Gates, satire
6 Comments
a hint of light 