Patrick A. McGuire, Bloggonian
For years I told jokes on street corners for tips, dreaming of one day owning a granite counter top. No luck, so I entered a monastery. I now do stand-up at daily prayer services. The monks' vow of silence means they can't laugh. I can't even laugh, although sometimes I sob quietly in the can. This blog is a cry for help. Send money or granite. I accept Pay Pal.
Author Archives: PMcG
How to open an English muffin
Step 1. Get an English muffin. Now. Step 2. Stand near a window so you can see what you’re doing. Make sure you are decent. Step 3. Hold the muffin in one hand by its edges and gaze upon it … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, funny, News You Can Use (Sort of), The human comedy
Tagged absurd, humor, intestine, K-Mac, muffin, satire, sausage, zany
2 Comments
Loose screws
When I awoke this morning, I glanced at the sports page and discovered I am still mathematically alive. I went to have my blood drawn. The artist on duty suggested water colors because she likes the way they bleed. Out … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged absurd, dead horse, funny, Nuggets, satire, snout, whoopie cakes, zany
6 Comments
It’s nothing, really
Scientists have a fairly straight-forward rule. Before they are allowed to make a major announcement (“Hello? Is this thing on? Attention everyone: water is composed of two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen. That is all. Thank you.”) they have to … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged Dark Matter, funny, humor, invisible, nothing, satire, zany
2 Comments
Yawning cleavage
If we can pinpoint a single meteor taking a whizz across outer space–and land an entire outlet mall on it–you’d think we could locate a single pen in our homes and not have to write our grocery lists, our MacArthur … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged absurd, cleavage, funny, Nantucket, satire, zany
3 Comments
The 5 Biggest Myths about Thanksgiving
1. The Indians arrived in a Plymouth. A very common misconception. In fact, The Puritans sailed from England in The Mayflower, which hit a large rock just off Massachusetts. It sank within sight of the Cape Cod Plymouth dealership. Because … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, News You Can Use (Sort of), Uncategorized
Tagged absurd, humor, Indians, satire, Thanksgiving, turkey, zany
3 Comments
Ten Steps To Becoming a New York Times Bestselling author*
1. Sit down with pencil and paper and say “Hmm.” Don’t think “Hmm.” Say “Hmm.” Louder. (Don’t stand up. Research shows that standing-up tricks your brain into thinking you’re going out for a beer or upstairs for a nap, or … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged best selling author, funny, hack, Hmm, lobotomy, satire, white horse
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FAQ: Huge Bug
Q.Whenever X—(not her real initial) sees a bug on the ceiling she says “Ooh, there’s a bug on the ceiling.” That means I’m supposed to kill it or talk it into leaving right this minute, mister. But the bug-fearing little … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, F.A.Q., News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged absurd, bible thumpers, bolo knife, bugs, funny, humor, Pearly Gates, satire
6 Comments
a hint of light 