Patrick A. McGuire, Bloggonian
For years I told jokes on street corners for tips, dreaming of one day owning a granite counter top. No luck, so I entered a monastery. I now do stand-up at daily prayer services. The monks' vow of silence means they can't laugh. I can't even laugh, although sometimes I sob quietly in the can. This blog is a cry for help. Send money or granite. I accept Pay Pal.
Category Archives: News You Can Use (Sort of)
What Nina said
Probably the best way to achieve immortality is to not die–as The Grammar Lady would never say. Rather she would say, in her superior tone, something about not splitting the infinitive or the atom on the porch or without at … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged absurd, poop, satire, The Grammar Lady, zany
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Venom and snot
That’s it. No more mister funny guy. No more silly stuff. No more laughs, no more being witty and wry. Not even pumpernickel. From now on I write nothing but sourdough, sauerbraten, sweet and sour sauce, hold the sweet (but … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged absurd, funny, humor, Lapland, satire, snot, venom, zany
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How to open an English muffin
Step 1. Get an English muffin. Now. Step 2. Stand near a window so you can see what you’re doing. Make sure you are decent. Step 3. Hold the muffin in one hand by its edges and gaze upon it … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, funny, News You Can Use (Sort of), The human comedy
Tagged absurd, humor, intestine, K-Mac, muffin, satire, sausage, zany
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Loose screws
When I awoke this morning, I glanced at the sports page and discovered I am still mathematically alive. I went to have my blood drawn. The artist on duty suggested water colors because she likes the way they bleed. Out … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged absurd, dead horse, funny, Nuggets, satire, snout, whoopie cakes, zany
6 Comments
It’s nothing, really
Scientists have a fairly straight-forward rule. Before they are allowed to make a major announcement (“Hello? Is this thing on? Attention everyone: water is composed of two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen. That is all. Thank you.”) they have to … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged Dark Matter, funny, humor, invisible, nothing, satire, zany
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Yawning cleavage
If we can pinpoint a single meteor taking a whizz across outer space–and land an entire outlet mall on it–you’d think we could locate a single pen in our homes and not have to write our grocery lists, our MacArthur … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of)
Tagged absurd, cleavage, funny, Nantucket, satire, zany
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The 5 Biggest Myths about Thanksgiving
1. The Indians arrived in a Plymouth. A very common misconception. In fact, The Puritans sailed from England in The Mayflower, which hit a large rock just off Massachusetts. It sank within sight of the Cape Cod Plymouth dealership. Because … Continue reading
Posted in Absurd and/or zany, News You Can Use (Sort of), Uncategorized
Tagged absurd, humor, Indians, satire, Thanksgiving, turkey, zany
3 Comments
a hint of light 